We've used, Game of Thrones, It's Always Sunny, Silicon Valley, and Arrested Development. Seinfeld, for all it's quotiness, isn't good for this. The Office is a possibility, but I thought of that after already finding some 30 Rock quotes...so, I'm using 30 Rock. This isn't going to be great. It's going to be like this year's Derby, or my existence in general, not very inspiring.
So, now that I've set the bar super high, I might as well get started....
"My mom used to send me articles about how older virgins are considered good luck in Mexico." —Liz
This had to be used on the one horse in the field that has never won a race...Sonneteer. Maybe he would fare better in Mexico?? And, seriously, what is a sonneteer anyway? A person who reads sonnets? Who are the ad wizards that came up with this one?
"For every orphan Annie, there's a 30-year-old Russian dwarf who's just pretending to be a child, according to a movie that I watched part of." —Liz
This one gets multiple horses attributed to it. The horses I consider to be nothing more than dwarf's pretending to be Derby horses. I'm looking at you Fast and Accurate, Untrapped, and J Boys Echo. I consider you to be the worst horses in the Derby. You should be ashamed.
But don't you miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot?
– Tracy and Kenneth
This is a cheap joke at Girvin's expense. He has bad feet. Get it?
"Most of that time has been spent trying to come
up with a hip, edgy name that would appeal to the marketing holy trinity:
college students, the morbidly obese, and homosexuals." —Jack
A lot of people know about Patch because he has a hip name and a cool story. It's a marketing dream, "A one eyed horse named Patch, how clever!" But, what you may not know about Patch is that he's not very good at running fast around a track.
"There's an old saying in Tennessee, I know it's in Texas, it's probably in Tennessee that says: Fool me once, shame on....shame on you. Fool me, ya can't get fooled again." - George W Bush
Oh, what, I'm not playing by the rules because I dropped an epic W quote in here? Who are YOU to tell ME about the freaking rules. I WRITE THE DAMN RULES! Oh yeah, this is applied to Thunder Snow. Sure, I've bet 8-10 horses shipping from Dubai to the Derby, and they've all been awful....but, ya can't get fooled again.....although maybe they're due....
I believe that the moon does not exist. I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is they never get a chance to prove it. I believe that there are 31 letters in the white alphabet. Wait...what was the question – Tracy
Yeah, I just picked a confusing quote to represent Hence and Gormley. I have no idea what to think of these two. I'm vacillating between wanting to use them somewhat heavily and tossing them completely. And, yes, I knew the word vacillating without looking it up....I did have to look up how to spell it though. In case you don't know the meaning, and were not able to infer it from it's use here, it means to cover something in vaseline.
The founding fathers never expected the poor to live past their
40s. – Jack
And, like those founding fathers, most people don't expect Battle of Midway or State of Honor to last through the opening six furlongs. I tend to agree on Battle of Midway, but State of Honor is a little intriguing.
"Affirmative action was
designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to
distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets." —Tracy
Kind of like how Gunnevera's solid effort in the Fountain of Youth is just there to distract us from the fact that he isn't very good.
"I do not want to disappoint my Japanese public. Especially
Godzilla. I'm just kidding, I know he doesn't care what humans do." – Tracy
This is kind of how I feel, Classic Empire feels, about Philip and I continually saying we don't like him on this blog. We're just a pair of stupid little humans taking shots at Godzilla. He certainly doesn't care, but I still don't think he's that good.
"Look how Greenzo's testing! They love him in
every demographic—colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh, we gotta
update these forms." —Jack
This is how I feel about McCracken. It seems like everyone I talk to likes him. I honestly think he could end up favored on Saturday, and I really don't buy him at that price. He's a really nice horse, but he shouldn't be favored. I'd make him fifth or sixth choice, tops.
"You're Liz Lemon, damn it. In certain lights, you're an 8! Using East Coast, over-35 standards, excluding Miami." – Jack
This sounds an awful lot like me trying to convince myself Lookin At Lee has a shot at a piece...I think he has a shot at running ok Saturday.
"Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon! Have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?" —Tracy
Irap and Practical Joke get to share my favorite quote from 30 Rock. I think both of these horses are better than they've been so far. Irap hasn't wanted to switch leads in his last couple starts. Practical Joke has had trouble and made big middle moves. Both of them can fly, if they just realize it. I should write inspirational post cards. Is there a big market for inspirational post cards?
Liz:Kenneth,
why did you bet that terrible hand?
Kenneth:Why? Because I believe life is for the living. I believe in taking
risks and biting off more than you can chew. And also, people were yelling and
I got confused about the rules.
This is basically a perfect quote for me and Tapwrit. He's in my top three. I know it's probably stupid, but he's the stupid horse I've started to fall for this dumb year. I think he was better than McCracken in the Sam F Davis, if he had gotten more room earlier I think he gets the win there. His Blue Grass was abysmal, but I'm willing to forgive him. It's dumb, but he's a top 4 horse for me for sure.
"Making it through a full twenty-four hours without making a single
misstep is called Reaganing. The only other people who've ever done it? Lee
Iacocca, Jack Welch, and—no judgment—Saddam Hussein." – Jack
Always Dreaming has done nothing wrong in his last few starts. He's been Reaganing his whole Derby prep trail, winning easily and with class. He's a regular Saddam. He'll be tough to beat.
"You know how the media are. They wait for a mistake and that's all
you are. It happened to Hitler. No one ever talks about his paintings." – Jack
I've always said there's one rule to writing a Derby blog, always include a good Hitler joke. It's what the people want. Irish War Cry was excellent in the Holy Bull and the Wood Memorial. He won them both impressively and neither was ever in doubt. But, my God was he awful in the Fountain of Youth, just one mistake, and it's cost him Derby favoritism. If he doesn't run in that race we are looking at a 2/1 Derby favorite and people are talking potential Triple Crown horse. Instead, he's probably going to be third or fourth choice.
OK, we've rambled a lot. Oaks Day is almost on us. We need to start wrapping up.
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